It’s All Over

I need to close my Facebook account, because I’ll never have another friend add as funny as this:

Most Significant Teachers

I recently wrote about my high school experience over at Classmates.com:

I had so much bad stuff going on in my life, I came to school to get away from the drama at home. I really didn’t care to do the work (something I regret now). School was more of a social hour for me than anything else. But there were a few teachers that stood out for me. It took me 4 years to pass 10th and 11th grade English (if you count summer school as a year). One class I didn’t fail was Mrs. Stumpf’s 11th grade English. She saw through my troubled exterior and gave me the tools to become the writer/blogger that I am today. In my teen years I searched for an outlet to express myself and be creative. She gave me the tools to find it, and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that gift.

Mr. Wright was another teacher that inspired me. It wasn’t so much how he taught or what he taught, but how he treated others. He taught through all the bullshit that was going in my life and inspired me enough to fall in love with American history and politics. He was strict in the classroom, but he was totally fair. I saw him recently and he hasn’t changed much at all. I’m sure he still talks about Cool Hand Luke and adores Ronald Reagan.

I have to include Mr Hawkins as inspiration. It wasn’t on a positive note that he inspired me. He was kind of a nasty person. But one day I was looking for my girlfriend (Suzy Adamo) and I overheard Mr. Hawkins and another teacher comment about me. In reference to me he said, “oh, he’ll never amount to anything.” That and the fact that Suzy’s parents thought I’d never “become anything”, drove me in my twenties to do all the things I did that made me successful. They both filled me with the fear of being a failure in life. I also wanted, in the back of my mind, to prove them wrong. Those words and thoughts hurt me at the time, but I’m grateful for them now.

These three teachers were the most significant to me because they all had one thing in common… impact. The cut through all my problems and spoke to my heart and inspired me to do and be a better human being. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Kinda Killed My Buzz

Recently I got my name and gender changed legally. I went to the health department to have my records changed. One of the women at the ISDOH pulled me in an office to tell me that “Usually it doesn’t take so long to process this, but since you’re adopted, it takes longer.”

I must have looked punched… she covered her mouth and said “You didn’t know?”

So, ya… thanks Mom.

Gotta Love Jib Jab

They poke fun of everyone!

Stupidity In Motion

IMG00027.jpg, originally uploaded by mzmartipants.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I didn’t tag this for the longest time, but I wanted to explain this photo. I was driving down the interstate and saw this van. There was a note in the back window that read: “Brake lights don’t work.”

IMG00019.jpg

IMG00019.jpg, originally uploaded by mzmartipants.

Nik’s performance
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

IMG00008.jpg

IMG00008.jpg, originally uploaded by mzmartipants.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Feeling Good, Looking Forward

I can’t believe it, but I’ve kinda got the workout fever thing going on. I usually try and work out Tues-Sat. Lately that workout schedule has been pretty even, and rather intense. (Friday I biked 6.5 miles, ran 2 miles, then biked back 6.5 miles.  I thought I’d feel exhuasted, but I actually had the urge to run today, but didn’t because I want to give my body time to heal.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to running 7 minute miles, but that’s the goal. I’m setting a goal right now. I want to run the 2009 Mini-Marathon. If I remember correctly, I ran in the 1997, 1998 and 1999 Mini Marathon.  I want to point myself back towards being able to run a five miler every day like I used to be able to do. I’m shocked at how much I miss it.  I love my bike too. I want to spend a lot more time on it. It’s a Specialized that kind looks like this:

I really want to put some miles on it. I hope the weather allows me to. It seems more like winter here now, than spring. I really miss Tuscon weather.

Ran 2 miles yesterday, 13 mile…

Ran 2 miles yesterday, 13 miles on the bike. Light day, about to go for a two mile run.

The Other Side

I posted over at Transadvocate about my experience at the IFGE convention in Tuscon, Arizona. I kept to the positive, but there is another more negative side personally. One thing I noticed, was the hierarchies within the transcommmunity. How the “pretty people” , the crossdressers, the rich, the poor, all fall into clusters or clicks. Like most of my life, I feel like I don’t really fit anywhere. I’m not sure if that’s self perception, or just a natural reaction to others. Starting a non-profit, I’m going to have to attend a lot of these conferences. I’m finding myself fighting my own inner sense of not belonging. I’m fighting my own demons. One of the big demons right now is my weight. Someone I met at the conference asked me about my sexual preference. It was obvious that she was sexually attracted to me and wanted me. I told her flat out that my own shit, my body image issues, keep me from feeling comfortable with being physically intimate. Mind you, I wouldn’t have had sex with someone that hit on me at a conference. I just don’t do one nighters, but that wasn’t the point. The reality of me right now is that I just don’t think I could let someone in that close to me right now. It would definitely have to be someone that I trusted immensely. These demons are something that I really need to fight, if I want to be successful at the goals that I’ve set.

Then an incident in a online GLBT group I’m a part of really hit me square in the gut. I was reminded where in the hierarchy of importance a transwoman is. I’m still kind of reeling from that. It’s STFU or get out, at least that’s how it felt. Effectively while others can post their opinions, I can’t. Unless I’m quiet, I’m silent, I’m positive, I know my place, I won’t be allowed to be a part of the group. There’s a part of me that knows the importance of this group. I know that being a part of it has opened a lot of doors for me. But I also know that it’s just a matter of time before I’m kicked off. Shut up or leave. I’m really not sure which I can, or should do. Time will tell.

I’m trying to refocus things. I’ve decided that it’s time once again to compact my life, and my goals. Monday I start my part time job. It’s only three hours a day, but it’s going to cut into my blogging and political activities. I’m happy that I found it, but it’s going to be an adjustment. The money from this job is going directly into my savings account and will not be touched except for surgery. Donna Rose has talked recently about balance, and how important it is. One of the things I really miss is doing radio work. I have to make a place for that in my life. It brings me almost as much joy as my writing. But to fit that into my life is going to take removing something else. I’m going to take this weekend to figure out what that is.

I honestly wish that I could bottle the feeling I had in Tuscon. One friend in particular, I wish I had access to on a daily basis. Being around her in Tuscon felt like being around a fountain of youth. Her optimism and hope was really something that inspired me. I want to hold on to that inspiration and hope. It’s definitely hard for me. It’s against what I’ve been taught, what I’ve been told, and how others have treated me. I need more people like her (and my friend R.) in my life.

One of the things I’m going to let my readers into here, is my weight struggle. If you want to see my thoughts, feelings, and struggles on my way to my goal, bookmark Transfatty, my weight loss blog.

At times, hope is the only thing I cling to. This week has been one of those times.