I was searching for an old post on my LiveJournal that I wanted to share with my cousin, and I started reading old posts. I read this old post and almost cried. I wrote a post called “I live, I die” on March 10th, 2004. This is an excerpt:
“I am feeling very lethargic. I think it’s the meds I am on. Ive had some pretty horrid thoughts lately. I wont follow through with it though. My father slowly killed himself and died when I was 11. I refuse to do the same to my kids, so I my life is a living hell. I don’t want to live, I don’t want to die. So I exist.”
That is exactly how I felt then. In August of 2000 I got divorced from my wife of 7 years and went into a very dark place. I stayed in that place pretty much for the next four or five years. The divorce was brutal on me. I had never felt such pain in my life. The only thing I can even closely compare it with was the death of my father.
When I wrote that paragraph above in my LJ, I hadn’t seen my children in two years. I had gotten so depressed I saw a therapist through work and they put me on Lexapro. WRONG THING TO DO FOR ME. We lived on the 29th floor of a high rise apartment and I started having fantasies about taking a nose dive off the balcony. I knew it was the meds. I stopped taking them, and those feelings stopped. But i still felt trapped in a life I hated, not wanting to live, but not wanting to die either.
I started writing my journal out of my own sense of fear, loneliness, and most of all, raw, emotionally crippling, gut clenching pain. I don’t think anyone wishes pain on themselves, but that pain did give birth to of my greatest gift, my writing. Nietzsche once said “You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.” I truly believe that.
I look back on those entries and it feels like I’m reading entries from another person. My world is so different now. I feel totally different about my life, my outlook, and my hopes and dreams. I can be alone, and be ok. I’m happy to be alive. Being joyful rocks.
I’m not sure why, but I’m really excited about the October 12th release of Elizabeth, The Golden Age.
Maybe it’s because my mom’s side are Doughertys (Irish) and my dad’s side are Abernatheys/Abernathys (Scot), but there’s something about that time and place in history that pulls at me. Then again, maybe it’s just the sepreme acting of Cate Blanchett and Geoffrey Rush. Whatever the reason, I can’t wait for it to come out. I’m planning on going to the opening of it here in Indy. Most people that know me, know that I don’t see many movies or watch very much TV.
Because I had to go pay my electric bill, I made a detour after I paid my bill and went to the Indianapolis Museum of Art. I took this pic while i was waiting for the tour on Asian art…
I love tours so much more than just walking around. It gives you so much more texture and history behind the art.
The video below, is a dream for me. One that I’ll probably never come true, and that’s why it’s a tough one to see. In my struggle through this journey one of the hardest parts has been the loss and the loneliness. I’ve pretty much given up on any chance of having a relationship with my mom because she can’t seem to accept that this isn’t a phase, that this isn’t going away. For better or worse, this is path is one that allows me to find peace and fulfillment in my path as a human being. I’m just saddened every time I realize that my mom isn’t part of my life to witness the beautiful side of it. She won’t ever get to know that person that I’ve buried inside me all those years.
I’m sorry I haven’t updated this bitch in a while, life’s kinda got in the way. I’ve got a lot going on right now, and I’m trying to tread water just to keep up.
1. NTAC - I was voted on to the board of the National Transgender Advocacy Coalition and I’ve been busy putting the web site together for it. I feel overwhelmed, under skilled, and blissfully happy about doing it all at once. I’m amazed at how much web work that I’m getting, and how people are really starting to appreciate what I do.
2. Blogging - Um..wow… have I been blogging a lot. My fingers and mind feel ablaze with the fire to write. It’s almost been a euphoric feeling lately, and the more I do it, the more I want to.
3. Meds - I’m SO glad I’ve gotten back on schedule with my meds (especially my injectable estrogen). I feel so much better and I’ve stopped gaining weight and am losing again.
4. Moving - I’m moving, so I can be closer to Nik’s Aunt. I’m gonna miss my apartment in Beech Grove, but this is gonna be better for Nik. He needs as much family around as possible, IMO. You can see the new apartment here:
5. The Horror - NIK IS DRIVING! Ackkkkkkkkkk! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! He’s actually doing pretty well, considering he’s never drove a stick before. We went and got his drivers license temp permit, and he opened his first checking account today with his first tax check. I FEEL SO OLD!
cause I am…
6. A friend of mine has been really generous and ask me to join her and her family on the Rosie cruise. I’m SO looking forward to it. *sqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
I think that’s about it. Life is speeding by so fast, I’m really grateful for the time I have, and who I have in my life.
Ever have a feeling someone you knew was going to wind up in the pages of a 3rd rate porn magazine? Damn I’m freakin Sylvia Browne! I probably should go play the lottery now… I won’t be shocked to see her on Howard Stern, showing her tits.
Back in the day, before I really knew her, I liked her. But then I got to see inside her. She uses her body, her looks, and her charm to get what she wants. And then there’s the fact that she’s batshit crazy. I’m so glad that relationship went down the tubes….
I’ve been taught over and over again to look deeper inside someone before pursuing anything. Bat shit crazy aint fun.
It’s funny, I’m really looking past Christmas this year. I’m looking forward to 2007, and this 2006 shit hole of a year being over with. OK, it wasn’t THAT bad. It was just a year of extremes. It was the year that my cholesterol skyrocketed to 320, and my liver enzymes shot up to 290 (4 times the high normal value). It was the year I had my first surgery (gallbladder), albeit not the first one I wanted. It was the year i got stretch marks! *grumbles*
Now, I’m not gonna whine through this entire post. I got my podcast up and going, and am developing a second. Transadvocate.com is slowly becoming what I had dreamed, a community site. I feel like my posts to this blog have more depth, more texture, and more exposure. In the second half of the year, my writing has really taken off.
And then there is my love. I’ve never made a connection that’s so deep, so free, and so honest. Having V in my life, has been really sweet too. As I write this, she’s sleeping away in my bed. I’ve got so much ahead of me next year. Two writing projects, lots of blogging, and a ton of loving! For now, I’m just gonna go warm myself under the covers and snuggle…
So many relationships going so many different ways right now, in my life. You, for instance…I used to think that you were so much stronger, so much wiser, and so much more in control of your life. You used to chide me for not being able to deal with my own pain, live with my mistakes, and encouraged me to stop beating myself up. You told me you’d never seen polyamory work. I felt inferior to you in so many ways, barely worthy of your friendship. Now I see your latest post is nothing but a skip on a 45. I hear, I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving. STFU and go then!
Seriously. I don’t know you. So many things I tried to learn from you, I’ve found that you haven’t fixed in your own world. Maybe that’s why you were so short with me. Maybe that’s why you can’t return my email, but I get a comment once or twice a year. Don’t bother,… I don’t know you and I no longer respect you.
And you, my love. You and yours have taught me the fullness of polyamory. You’ve given me part of my childhood back. You’ve given me a fist to lay next to mine. You’ve been there for me in so many ways, I cry with joy knowing your in my life.
And you are new. Fuck, I am so intrigued. So many shadows, so much light, so much pain, so much substance. So much fucking texture. Hell, I’m not sure I even know your birth sex. I’m pretty sure I don’t give a rats ass. In fact, I’m positive of that fact. I’ve shown you the weird, but healthy way I love.
And you! I love cuddling with you. I definitely feel loved in your presence. You feel like family to me. You treat me exactly how I want to be treated. You love me. You support me. You see me.
Loving all of you has taught me a lot about what’s important in life, and I appreciate that more than you know. More than you can know. I’m amazed at the kind of love I am able to give and to receive. I am hurt by you. I am content loving you. I am aching for you.
My So Called Life | admin February 10, 2008 | 
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He’s actually doing pretty well, considering he’s never drove a stick before. We went and got his drivers license temp permit, and he opened his first checking account today with his first tax check. I FEEL SO OLD!
