Spring, Summer and Fall

So many relationships going so many different ways right now, in my life. You, for instance…I used to think that you were so much stronger, so much wiser, and so much more in control of your life. You used to chide me for not being able to deal with my own pain, live with my mistakes, and encouraged me to stop beating myself up. You told me you’d never seen polyamory work. I felt inferior to you in so many ways, barely worthy of your friendship. Now I see your latest post is nothing but a skip on a 45. I hear, I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving. STFU and go then!

Seriously. I don’t know you. So many things I tried to learn from you, I’ve found that you haven’t fixed in your own world. Maybe that’s why you were so short with me. Maybe that’s why you can’t return my email, but I get a comment once or twice a year. Don’t bother,… I don’t know you and I no longer respect you.

And you, my love. You and yours have taught me the fullness of polyamory. You’ve given me part of my childhood back. You’ve given me a fist to lay next to mine. You’ve been there for me in so many ways, I cry with joy knowing your in my life.

And you are new. Fuck, I am so intrigued. So many shadows, so much light, so much pain, so much substance. So much fucking texture. Hell, I’m not sure I even know your birth sex. I’m pretty sure I don’t give a rats ass. In fact, I’m positive of that fact. I’ve shown you the weird, but healthy way I love.

And you! I love cuddling with you. I definitely feel loved in your presence. You feel like family to me. You treat me exactly how I want to be treated. You love me. You support me. You see me.

Loving all of you has taught me a lot about what’s important in life, and I appreciate that more than you know. More than you can know. I’m amazed at the kind of love I am able to give and to receive. I am hurt by you. I am content loving you. I am aching for you.

This, is living.

In The End

For years I suffered with my gender dysphoria and I did so silently. I was afraid, confused, and needed constant validation from others. I struggled with it for 33 years and tried everything I could do to hide it, bury it, fix it, or Jesus it away. But I’ve come to the conclusion that after 33 years of trying, that I should accept it and grow from it.

I’m no longer an insecure person that needs someone to validate me. I know who I am, what I want, and what I will and will not accept. I am an individual. I can only control things that I do and I am responsible for. I have worth based on how I feel about me, not how someone else feels about me I know who Marti is, even if you are confused about what “sex” or “gender” Marti is. Knowing Marti, finding Marti, has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

I’ve been transitioning and on hormone replacement therapy since September 1st, 2001. Five years out, I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I feel focused, centered, and in control of my life. Some may think I’m fooling myself… but what if I am? Growing into the person that I am has been one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. I am happy. I am content. In the end, my own happiness trumps anyone else’s understanding of me. If this makes me be able to function in society and find joy in life, then it is a good, and moral thing to do.

Weekend Update…Late

Day late, but hopefully not a dollar short.

My weekend went pretty well. Spent some quality time Saturday afternoon with love. She’s a strong person, going through some tough medical problems, but still holding up well. I’m afraid for her, and was afraid to tell her as much. I did anyways because I don’t lie to her, even if it’s something I don’t want to talk about. She amazes me with her strength.

Then on Saturday night I had a date with Veronica. First we went to Yats (Cajun) for food, and then went to the gay bar across the way and  kicked some ass (lesbian ass at that) in pool.

I had fun, and the night ended with sweet kisses. I’m NOT complaining.

This made me laugh…

A comment by a fellow Alumni of my high school,

“after the reunion, i see that we have all changed. apparently not as much as marty abernathy. whatever floats ones boat, or words to that effect….”

Not really sure if that’s a dig, or not. Pffffffffft. I don’t care, it made me laugh.

Some things, like sense of humor, just get better with age.

MYSPACE: The New AOL

Sheesh. Let’s go to the Ole Myspace mailbag, shall we?

“hey babe,

my names john, i am a 22 yr old from chicago. I am very outgoing and willing to try anything once. I am a chef and curently going to culinary school. I have pics, but for now i am 5’7” tan athletic body brn eyes n hair 150 pnds, and italian. I just wanted to tell you that you are georgeous and i’d love to talk to u. Also i am very very bi curious. hehe. Could i have your yahoo id so we could chat more, or aol? Thanks hope to hear from you soon! – John”

“YEA YEA YEA….

I KNOW I DON’T KNOW YOU AND YOU DON’T KNOW ME. SO WE GOT THAT SETTLED. I WOULD LIKE TO BE ADDED TO YOURS AND YOU ADDED TO MINE…. ADDING AS A FRIEND, I’AM NOT GOOD AT THIS….

SO HOW DOES THAT SOUND! I KNOW I KNOW I’AM SORRY I COULD’NT SELL YOU INSURANCE WITH THAT STUFF.
I KNOW! IT’S THE WAY YOU PUT THINGS MAINLY IN THE PART ABOUT YOUR SELF

P.S MY NAME IS JEFF

HOLLA BACK

I REALLY WANT CHAT WITH YOU I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE
SILLY . I FILL A BATTLE COMING ON————– BETWEEN WORDS
JUST FOR FUN “

“hi who are you doing tonight wanna chat hit me back -Gregg”

“want 9 inches? – K-Bo”

Sheesh. No wonder good men are hard to find.

But I saved the best for last….

“hey i can accept you being lesbian as long as your with me. sincerly ronnie i live in indy east side 632-2XXX” – Ronnie

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YOU HAVE SOME GALL!

Well… the good news is I DIDN’T DIE! OK, I didn’t expect to, but it makes for good drama! I wasn’t really prepared for how I felt after the surgery. The difference between a colonoscopy and full on surgery was staggering. With conscious sedation (Demerol and VerSed) I came out of the procedure feeling stoned to the bone, but with all my wits. But with my gallbladder surgery, I woke up feeling like a sick, confused and wounded dog. The confusion didn’t clear right away, either. It was at least 30 minutes before I was aware enough to sit up and know where I was. I do not like that feeling at all and I can’t imagine how much that’s going to be intensified with my genital and breast augmentation surgery. The thought of being alone for my GRS, scares me even more now. Physically I was alone at the hospital, but the entire time I was there I either talked with my love, text her, or sent pics to her. A few days before the surgery I received a package from her. With my birthday coming up, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I won’t list all the gifts, but you probably remember seeing me with my little cow…

and my socks…

and my blanket…

Every single gift that she gave me had some special meaning. It was a love package for sure. I was swimming in her comfort, concern, and love, even though she couldn’t be here for my surgery. I was glad that she could be there in spirit.

A week before the surgery, Nik’s aunt insisted that I come and stay with them for a few days. I was really touched by her offer. The surgery was done on an outpatient basis, so I needed to be picked up. I stayed a day at her house before going home. The lack of internets was driving me stir crazy, so I came home. I’m starting to get back into the groove of my life. I’m post op now about a week, and I feel pretty much back to normal.

Well, as normal as I get.

Scrappy Doo, Where Are You?

Speaking of Daphne, I talked to her on Friday. Daphne as been around my LJ for a pretty long time. She’s just as I thought she’d be, funny, witty, and full of passion (and other expandables). What I realized is that she shares something with my Second Life love, R. R and J (R’s husband) probably wouldn’t find much in common with Daphne and her husband. What similarity do I see in both couples?

In every picture, story, or mention, you can see the love, the companionship, and friendship just pouring out. I don’t know her husband well, but anyone that dresses up like one of Mario Brothers for the fun of it, I have an automatic affinity for. The commonality I felt with both couples are:

Contentment. Laughter. Playfulness. Smiles. Joy. Gratefulness. Depth. A genuine sweetness. Most of all, I felt a very giving, trusting, and open love.

I never really put this together until last night, while hanging out with R&J. I realized that this kind of love of life and person, I’ve not felt those feelings since I was a kid. The family alcoholism, the drama marriages, and many other painful traumas have caused me to stop believing in that such relationships exist. I’ve hardened my heart to the possibility, frankly. I’m thankful that both R and Daphne are in my consciousness right now, to shine as examples of this kind of love.

R, is really the genesis of this introspective moment. I won’t really discuss the event that made this come to light, because it’s highly personal and frankly too intimate for me to feel comfortable sharing here. I can say that she peered into my soul and poured her heart out to me in such a beautiful gift. I will treasure that gift for the rest of my life.

I have to wonder if the lack of belief has caused me to seek out love that was negative and co-dependent instead of their kind of love? I’m not really sure, but it’s something I keep rolling over in my head. I get the feeling that my movement toward a life of positive growth has allowed me see their examples.

Regardless, I’m grateful for you both. You bring me hope.

North Dakota Is For Heterosexual Lovers

I recently talked to an internets friend on the phone. She lives in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. She made mention of us hanging out if I ever got up to her neck of the woods. So I go over to google maps… and this comes up:

First of all, what’s up with North Dakota? I think google maps is trying to tell me something

I get frustrated because I don’t take any road trips anymore. Even though I owned a motorcycle in my youth, I’m not a big fan of them. But I’m seriously thinking of buying one so I can make road trips without a huge cost of gas and mileage on a car (you can pick up a smaller cc bike for under $2000 usd that gets 60 -70 mpg).

Like So Much Of My Life…

I keep looking back and reexamining different aspects of my life. Recently, that introspection has been on my choice of music. I’ve noticed lately that either I’m growing senile, or my music snobishness has subsided a bit with age. Bands that I passed over, for one reason or another, I’m discovering that I LOVE. They include:

Read more »

The Rumors Are Not True… Elvis and I LIVE!

Hey there! Long time no see! You may have wondered why I’ve become silent for so long… or maybe you don’t give a shit … but you’re gonna hear about my life anyways!

First of all, there’s Nik. Nik moving in with me (he’s lived with me since August) has drastically changed my amount of free time to blog. Not that I’m complaining, as I’m very proud of him. He turns 16 on June 10th. Wait, that can’t be…29 – 16=….NEVERMIND.

 *ahem*

He’s adjusted pretty well, all things considered. We’ve got one year of school down, three to go!!! He’s about the most out teenager I’ve ever known, and he does it with (seemingly) little shame or guilt. He and his boyfriend went to the Homecoming dance,  he’s fairly popular in school, and he’s not had any issues with being intimidated at school (that I’m aware of). He’s talking about going to school to become a Radiologic Technologist, like I am (and my mom before me). It pleases me to see this. He’s very aware of the level of security that his grandma and I have had because of our career choice and I think that has influenced his decision. So ya, he seems to be happy and heading in the right direction.

The second reason is that I’m developing my podcast, “The Fat Tranny Circus.” Ya, ya, I know that you guys voted overwhelming for “Every Nook and Tranny,” (I’ve decided to use that as the title of my autobiography) but after some consulting with fellow podcasters/broadcasters, I settled on the FTC. It encapsulates everything I want in a name. It’s funny, it’s catchy, and It’ll stop people in their tracks and say “what the hell is that?”

 I’m going to start the FTC design this weekend. The awesomeness that is Shae, has already designed my logo. She did an AWESOME job!

Now I just need to build a template to use in wordpress using this great logo. I’ve already recruited two news correspondents for the show, Jerri Stance and Roadkill Rhonda. Their contributions to the show will surely make for some interesting segments. I have a vague concept for the show, which I’m going to work on more this weekend. In conjunction with The FTC, I’ve decided to rebuild TransSister Radio. I’m not at liberty to discuss the particulars, but I’m working on the site now. I’m going to try and finish the structure of the site this weekend. I’m setting a goal for July 1st as a launch date for The FTC and August 1st for TransSister Radio.

Another cause of bloglessness is my health. In August I had a sleep study that confirmed I have sleep apnea. My doctor switched my narcolepsy medicine so that my sleep patterns would even out and that has helped regulate my sleep. I’m being fitted for CPAP as we speak and I’m due for another sleep study soon.

Between last August and now, I’ve gained close to 60 pounds. Last May I stopped doing Atkins and my weight slowly crept up until August. After Nik and I moved in October my eating and exercise habits changed drastically. I eat out more often, I walk less, and I ride my bike less. This weight gain and lack of physical activity has taken its toll on my health. My cholesterol is sky high and I get short of breath easily. The only bright side is that my breasts are bigger . I also found out I’m anemic, and I have a heart condition. Yes, a heart condition. According to my echocardiagram I have an enlarged left atrium (the left upper chamber of the heart) and the cardiologist suggested I be tested next year for any change in size. I’m not sure how this will effect my life, or the seriousness of it. I plan on talking with my primary care physician more about it next week. As far as my weight goes, I’ve been put on a year long medically supervised weight loss program.

The doctor that is overseeing my plan is Dr. Eve Olson of the St Francis Medical and Surgical Weight Loss Center. I’ve worked with Dr. Olson in the past (as a male) but she hadn’t seen me since my transition. On my first visit she said, “I know you but I’m not sure from where.” I said, “well, I used to be thinner and I used to live as a man.” I know she was a bit stunned, but she took it all in stride. She even joked with me about my job covering my SRS surgery. She set me set up with weekly visits with a dietitian and an exercise planner. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m not dieting. I feel like I’m eating healthy, nutritious meals that will help me lessen my health problems.

Another side effect of the weight gain has been that I’ve become somewhat of a hermit. I put off going out with friends and dread public outings. I am embarrassed at how much weight I’ve gained. Oddly enough, it hasn’t really affected my passing ability. I very rarely have anyone referring to me with male pronouns. Most of the people that do use male pronouns are people that knew me before transition. I would say at least 98 percent of those that don’t know my history, use female gender pronouns. Most of my feelings have to do with the shame of being this fat, not gender issues or fears.

Lastly, I’ve been sucked into the world of Second Life. If you want to see me in SL, email me and I’ll send you SL name. Second Life is a way for me to explore aspects of my personality that I couldn’t explore “in real life” (IRL). I’ve met many new people from around the world and friended a few more. It’s a little bit chat room, a bit theatre, and a bit video game. I’m definitely hooked.

All in all, there have been many changes in my life that have caused me to not be able to blog. Once I have my diet and exercise regimen settled, I am going to sit down and figure out how I can post regularly to all three of my blogs. I miss writing so much. I hope that you see many more thoughts, opinions, and ideas from me for a long time to come…

at least that’s the plan.

I love ya,
Marti Abernathey