V and I went on a date to Bloomington, Indiana. Bloomington is home of Indiana University (Hoosiers). We went to Shanti Indian Cuisine and then went to Bloomington’s lesbian outpost, Willy Joes.
My So Called Life | admin December 3, 2006 | 
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My So Called Life, ponderings | admin November 29, 2006 | Comments (3)
For years I suffered with my gender dysphoria and I did so silently. I was afraid, confused, and needed constant validation from others. I struggled with it for 33 years and tried everything I could do to hide it, bury it, fix it, or Jesus it away. But I’ve come to the conclusion that after 33 years of trying, that I should accept it and grow from it.
I’m no longer an insecure person that needs someone to validate me. I know who I am, what I want, and what I will and will not accept. I am an individual. I can only control things that I do and I am responsible for. I have worth based on how I feel about me, not how someone else feels about me I know who Marti is, even if you are confused about what “sex” or “gender” Marti is. Knowing Marti, finding Marti, has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.
I’ve been transitioning and on hormone replacement therapy since September 1st, 2001. Five years out, I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I feel focused, centered, and in control of my life. Some may think I’m fooling myself… but what if I am? Growing into the person that I am has been one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. I am happy. I am content. In the end, my own happiness trumps anyone else’s understanding of me. If this makes me be able to function in society and find joy in life, then it is a good, and moral thing to do.
My So Called Life | admin November 26, 2006 | Comments (1)
It’s funny, before I had Lola or Chaz, I had tolerated my pets (I think because they were usually chosen by someone else in my life), but always half joked that if a pet ever cost me more than it did to purchase them, I’d have them put down. Well, that theory is out the window….. Both my pets bring my great joy, and they’re both cuddlers and I love them!
Looking at my blog, I just realized that Lola has been with me two years, this Monday!
I never can seem to find a pic that really captures my cat. Well, that is, until today. I found these two on my server while doing some cleanup.
and
My little noodle cat….
<3
My So Called Life, photos | admin November 11, 2006 | Comments (1)
Day late, but hopefully not a dollar short.
My weekend went pretty well. Spent some quality time Saturday afternoon with love. She’s a strong person, going through some tough medical problems, but still holding up well. I’m afraid for her, and was afraid to tell her as much. I did anyways because I don’t lie to her, even if it’s something I don’t want to talk about. She amazes me with her strength.
Then on Saturday night I had a date with Veronica <lj user=”fluffybunny”>. First we went to Yats (Cajun) for food, and then went to the gay bar across the way and kicked some ass (lesbian ass at that) in pool.
I had fun, and the night ended with sweet kisses. I’m NOT complaining. 
You can see pics of that at :
My So Called Life | admin November 7, 2006 | Comments (0)
A comment by a fellow Alumni of my high school,
“after the reunion, i see that we have all changed. apparently not as much as marty abernathy. whatever floats ones boat, or words to that effect….”
Not really sure if that’s a dig, or not. Pffffffffft. I don’t care, it made me laugh.
Some things, like sense of humor, just get better with age.
I'm a goof, My So Called Life | admin November 1, 2006 | Comments (0)
Sheesh. Let’s go to the Ole Myspace mailbag, shall we?
“hey babe,
my names john, i am a 22 yr old from chicago. I am very outgoing and willing to try anything once. I am a chef and curently going to culinary school. I have pics, but for now i am 5′7” tan athletic body brn eyes n hair 150 pnds, and italian. I just wanted to tell you that you are georgeous and i’d love to talk to u. Also i am very very bi curious. hehe. Could i have your yahoo id so we could chat more, or aol? Thanks hope to hear from you soon! - John”
“YEA YEA YEA….
I KNOW I DON’T KNOW YOU AND YOU DON’T KNOW ME. SO WE GOT THAT SETTLED. I WOULD LIKE TO BE ADDED TO YOURS AND YOU ADDED TO MINE…. ADDING AS A FRIEND, I’AM NOT GOOD AT THIS….
SO HOW DOES THAT SOUND! I KNOW I KNOW I’AM SORRY I COULD’NT SELL YOU INSURANCE WITH THAT STUFF.
I KNOW! IT’S THE WAY YOU PUT THINGS MAINLY IN THE PART ABOUT YOUR SELF
P.S MY NAME IS JEFF
HOLLA BACK
I REALLY WANT CHAT WITH YOU I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE
SILLY . I FILL A BATTLE COMING ON————– BETWEEN WORDS
JUST FOR FUN “
“hi who are you doing tonight wanna chat hit me back -Gregg”
“want 9 inches? - K-Bo”
Sheesh. No wonder good men are hard to find.
But I saved the best for last….
“hey i can accept you being lesbian as long as your with me. sincerly ronnie i live in indy east side 632-2XXX” - Ronnie
powered by performancing firefox
My So Called Life, trailer trash | admin October 26, 2006 | Comments (0)
Well… the good news is I DIDN’T DIE! OK, I didn’t expect to, but it makes for good drama! 
I wasn’t really prepared for how I felt after the surgery. The difference between a colonoscopy and full on surgery was staggering. With conscious sedation (Demerol and VerSed) I came out of the procedure feeling stoned to the bone, but with all my wits. But with my gallbladder surgery, I woke up feeling like a sick, confused and wounded dog. The confusion didn’t clear right away, either. It was at least 30 minutes before I was aware enough to sit up and know where I was. I do not like that feeling at all and I can’t imagine how much that’s going to be intensified with my genital and breast augmentation surgery. The thought of being alone for my GRS, scares me even more now. Physically I was alone at the hospital, but the entire time I was there I either talked with my love, text her, or sent pics to her. A few days before the surgery I received a package from her. With my birthday coming up, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I won’t list all the gifts, but you probably remember seeing me with my little cow…
and my socks…
and my blanket…
Every single gift that she gave me had some special meaning. It was a love package for sure. I was swimming in her comfort, concern, and love, even though she couldn’t be here for my surgery. I was glad that she could be there in spirit.
A week before the surgery, Nik’s aunt insisted that I come and stay with them for a few days. I was really touched by her offer. The surgery was done on an outpatient basis, so I needed to be picked up. I stayed a day at her house before going home. The lack of internets was driving me stir crazy, so I came home. I’m starting to get back into the groove of my life. I’m post op now about a week, and I feel pretty much back to normal.
Well, as normal as I get.
My So Called Life, photos | admin October 21, 2006 | Comments (1)
I'm a goof, My So Called Life, photos | admin October 16, 2006 | Comments (0)
Heh… well maybe! I’m having my gallbladder removed tomorrow. If I die, before I wake, at least thy myspace blog I did make. I’m using the firefox performancing myspace add-on to post this biatch.
Spiffy.
That’s right kids, my gallbladder is outta here! I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared, but not too much. I’m really content with my life, and the people I love, know they are loved. Damn, I thought my testicles would be the first things to die, under the knife. Expect me to write a lot, since I’m going to be off for a while.
If I don’t do the dying thing tomorrow, I’m seriously thinking about buying something like this in Chicago.
I’ll leave you with something I wrote for my loves, Dode and Lavanya.
“I hope this afternoon/evening finds you well. I started this email a
week ago and it blossomed into a bit more than I expected. It actually
helped me refocus my life on what I want to do.
Last week you asked me what my goals were, and just as synchronicity
would have it, I’ve been working on my goals.
As far as trans wise, in the next 15 months I want to my breast
augmentation done and get all my outstanding debts paid off. Do I want
to have GRS (genital reassignment surgery)? I’m fairly certain that I
want to “go all the way,” but I’m not 100 percent sure. Why? I don’t
care about my parts either way. I do want to suppress my testosterone
production and I want to be able to have an active sex life.
My essence has always been female, but I’ve been socialized as male.
It’s why I’m the hybrid you know today. I don’t need to have a vagina
to verify this to me. That being said, life would be a lot easier with
a vagina. I could have a F on my passport (definite safety issue). I
wouldn’t have to make the decision between going in the men’s restroom
and getting beat up or worse or going in the women’s restroom and
being arrested. It’s a matter of making my life easier and safer. I
could live as a woman but still keep my penis. Really, the only person
that would know would be my lovers. But I’m not fully functional as a
male, currently. Keeping my current genital configuration would limit
me to sexual partners as well. Safety, security, and a lot of sex are
what I desire. Surgery would probably put me in more normative
categories that would allow me a better chance for romantic
relationships.
As far as my gender presentation, I am positive that this is how I
want to spend the rest of my life. I want to have all my aesthetic
stuff done first, before I even consider GRS. To me, the vital
surgeries are breast augmentation, followed by brow lift/scalp
advancement, and then FFS (facial feminization surgery) and some
cosmetic dental work to boot. Most people wont see my genitals,
they’ll see my face/body. That’s the area that’s most important to me.
After all, this isn’t about how I have sex, it’s about me feeling
comfortable in my own skin.
In three years I plan on moving out of Indianapolis. But I won’t know
where home is until I get there and feel it. Until then, I’m not
counting any city out. I am acutely aware of how “red” this state is.
I want to get out of this conservative environment. Cities that have
my interest as of now are Windsor Canada, Chicago, Sacramento, San Francisco,
Boston, and Washington DC, but I wouldn’t rule out others.
My focus over the next three years is to get my son graduated,
visitation of my daughter reinstated, my debts paid off, and of course
to have at least my breast augmentation surgery done.
Long term plans? My theory is plan like you’re going to live till 119,
but act like I’ll die today. I want to learn how to climb and repel.
Before I die I want to visit Paris, London, Prague, Venice, Berlin,
Rome, Sydney, Scotland (especially Abernathy) The Grand Canyon,
Tijuana, Cape Horn, Brazil, and many other places that I’m forgetting.
I want to jump from an airplane, I want to swim again. I want to water
ski again, like I did when I was a teen. I want to look good enough in
a swimsuit that the genetic women are envious. I want to see my son
become a father, and my daughter become a mother. I want to foster
kids. I want to watch my grand kids. I want to write my autobiography
as a gift to my children and to speak with generations down my family
tree. I want to get back to the same shape I was in when I was 22. I
want to run for political office. I want to do more activism. I want
to stay positive while doing so. I want to study Aikido and Yoga. I
want to work out more. I want to be able to run hard and long. I want
a runner’s body again. I want to go back to college and get a degree
in English and possibly law school. I want to continue to broadcast
and create Internet content. I want to be surrounded by positive
souls. I want our friendship to be one of unity. I want to learn more
about each of your childhoods/family history. I want to leave this
world with both you and Dode in my heart and mind. I want my friends
close to me. I want to heal my enemies. I want to learn from jealousy.
I want to learn to love more. I want to learn more about Buddhism as a
philosophy. I want to live a life full of love, and a death that comes
naturally. I want to live a life of truth. I want to learn more about
me. I want to learn about others. I want to learn. I want to feel the
roughness of a man’s face on mine. I want to feel the softness of a
woman’s cheek. I want to hold hands. I want to go for walks with loved
ones. I want to plan my entire funeral (I’ve already started the
eulogy and I plan on making a funeral video to my family and friends
that will be played in place of a typical eulogy). I want to be
cremated and have half of my ashes buried in the ground (if my kids
need a place to visit for peace of mind…) and half spread over San
Francisco Bay. If I’m on life support and have less than a 40 percent
chance of regaining my past health, I want to be left to die. I don’t
want a preacher at my funeral. I don’t want any hymns played. I want
my death and my life to be signposts for those that come after me. I
want to leave this place with few regrets and as many loved ones as
possible. I want to feel. I want to ache. I want to live.
Most of all, I want to love and be loved in return.”
Be well, all.
My So Called Life | admin October 11, 2006 | Comments (3)
