I’m so over all this crap. I miss my kids. One day you will realize what a fucking utter mistake you made not letting me see them. Your actions will only serve to push them away from you. Karma has kind of bitten both of you in the ass, has it not?
ex drama, My So Called Life | admin November 8, 2004 | 
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Vote for me instead!
I am part of the BiTribune’s “BiBabes contest.” It actually has prizes and stuff. Plus I just want ya all to validate my hotness. 
Vote every day!
Then vote for Kerry!
*edit* I won! Thanks to all that voted!
My So Called Life | admin October 21, 2004 | Comments (0)
Well, I got my apartment keys. I spent the weekend moving stuff and generally getting my sh*t together.
Friday night I met some folks from the local Bi group here in Indy. It was quite a diverse and fun group. Thanks to Amy for making me feel so accepted and comfy. I definitely will attend most of their functions if at all possible.
Saturday was spent cleaning and packing. Jennifer and I ran around to different craft stores. Guess what queer ass tranny wants a sewing machine? Um… Ya. My first project is going to be making curtains for my apartment. Color me inspired.
I finished up shopping for Danielle’s birthday presents. I’m not sure she will actually receive them, but I did include a copy of the guidelines for Deborah to review. It states that mail communication should not be impeded in any way. We’ll see… I’m sure I’ll get some nasty response from the queen herself….
Sunday Joe and Dawnesha (I think that’s how she pronounces and spells it…. I hope so… came by for a visit. They are the cutest couple, like…. ever. I really dig them both very much. Did I mention they’re both hot? Em…er…nevermind. I look forward to getting to know them both.
Today I awoke from my slumber remembering the weirdest dream. I was involved in a “hit and run” accident and I was the run doing the running. WIERD. After said weird dreams, I got up and chatted a bit before I had to run down to my new apartment and wait on the cable guy. He came, hooked it up in like 3 seconds flat. Good thing is my cable bill for the next 3 months is only 19.00 bucks. Thing is I had to take out my wireless card and put my old ethernet card back in. When I did that my video card started making odd noises…. so I had to switch out my old video card…(which makes me take out a PCI slot…my newer card is AGP, old one is PCI). So, now I just need to set up the networking, but I hope I can get my newer video card to work, or I wont be able to hook my usb card in. (that means no transfer of pics to computer…. that sucks ass.) So with my day today I will finish up with odds and ends at the apartment, then work on getting the puter up and running. I have so few things; I was able to move most of my stuff in a few cardboard boxes and laundry baskets. only my computer desk and my mattress and box spring will remain for the U-haul on Thursday.
As always, I love and miss you all!
PS
Happy Birthday, my daughter! I love you!
My So Called Life | admin September 28, 2004 | Comments (0)
Ever have someone in your life that sees right through you, as if they were looking through glass? I have such a person in my life. When we get into a conversation about me, I always end up seeing truth in her words, but they do not come easy. I feel like I am back in algebra class. In high school I took algebra 1 three different times. I would have to take great notes and listen very closely to even keep up. I am constantly thinking about what she asks me, trying to process the meaning, and go on to her next point. Her words are sooo backed with punch. I just hope that with some study and thought, that I can grow. Right now I feel confused, tired, and emotionally spent. Dont think I am bitter, because I am not. I feel very fortunate to have this happen, its just a bit overwhelming. I think I am gonna lay down, I have a doctor appointment at 230pm Central.
ni ni.
My So Called Life | admin June 3, 2004 | Comments (0)
Went out this morning and took more pics. If it looks bad, thats because it is.
Spooky. A bit more pressure on this fucker and SNAP…down comes the power lines.
This is how it looked from across the street.
I found this one a bit of a jolt to my psyche. You can see the facade ripped off this building. It is now a Target, but it used to be a store called Aire Way. You can see the “A” and the beginning of the “I.” This takes me back to when I was a kid….since Aire Way hasnt been around for at least 30 years. Ya I know, I’m old.
I dont know why this one hit me….it just seems odd.
This is how many houses looked around this neighborhood. It literally looked like a war zone.
This sucks even more, because this is a poor neighborhood. I’m guessing many people don’t have homeowners insurance.
My So Called Life | admin May 31, 2004 | Comments (0)
Sirens! Tornados!!! I need a blankie and a closet …and ill sit in there and suck my thumb.
lookin all evil
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMY! *sniffle* Im scared!
I keep telling myself a tornado hasnt ever hit Riley Towers. LOL……
My So Called Life, photos | admin May 30, 2004 | Comments (0)
I slept little yesterday after work, but lord did I pay for it later. I around 6 or 7 I fell asleep and didnt wake up till 1 am. Then I stayed up for a whole 10 minutes and slept until 630am. Shhhhhhhhit! Much to do today! I want to start doing a week of FMA posts. (What is FMA, you ask? It stands for Federal Marriage Amendment, and I have a place on OUTlet Radio. I find quotes from the sponsors of the FMA. You can add my FMA posts to your website, email me for the details. If you’re on LJ you can add it here 
FMA words to your friends list). For some reason it gets harder and harder to do even though I am very proud of it. I believe once people see what asses their local representatives are, they will vote the intolerant fucks out of office.
Much to do today…. As I write this I am also cleaning my room. I need to clean our fridge out (it looks like a goddamn pig sty). That is another rant all together. Oh wait… I have a digital camera now! Welcome to the grossness:
You think that is nasty? How about a close-up!
FUCKING GROSS!
On another topic, do you like these shoes? I am watching these shoes on ebay:
The ad says:
These are Bongo Ronnie size 10 like new in box. These have never been worn anywhere but around the house. These are from my daughter’s gigantic shoe collection, and no longer fit her. These have been stored in the box and show no signs of abuse. Originally costing $39. Thanks for looking.
They are selling at 10 bucks plus actual price of shipping. I will wait till the last few minutes and buy em. Think they are worth 15 bucks? I like em. I am going to go to goodwill today too. I think I need to find some summer clothes. I REFUSE to buy myself any new clothes until I get down to my goal weight. When I get there, I am going to throw out all my old clothes. I know if I just keep up my workouts and Atkins I will get there. Why waste good money on clothes that wont fit next month?
O! Another thing I am bidding on is the bottom half of a laptop. My lappy has been dead for at least 6 months. I hope this action stays at this price ($24.00 plus 20 dollars for shipping)! I would get the parts i need for 50 bucks! *FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED*
Oh! I got this in the mail:
YAY! Thank you babe. I am digging this CD! For all you younger fucks that like Offspring or the like, go here and give it a listen! These guys were doing this in 87, back when Offspring was in their cribs shittin in their respective diapers. Anyways, thanks for the CD!
OMG! As I am sitting here writing this, I hear a song from Alanis Morrissette called “If I Would Be Good.” Goddamn this hit me like a ton of bricks!
that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if a got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even when i’m not myself
that i would be good even when i’m overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clinging
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
Wake up Alanis! This is America!!!! *smirk*
Oh well kiddies, I best get back to cleaning!
I love you all!
xoxoxox
DRag queen smoochies
Cinnamon and I walked down to the Indianapolis 500 Parade. I took a bunch of pics….
He looks hot, she just looks dim.
Read more »
My So Called Life | admin May 29, 2004 | Comments (0)
Just woke up around 430pm! A newwwwwwwwwwwwwww track record! LOL. Narcolepsy sucks ass! Yes, I have narcolepsy. With the medicine I take, and the hours I work, I tend to only sleep four hours a night. Today I slept 6 1/2 to 7 hours, so I feel really good! I do feel a bit groggy, but I am sure that will pass.
I need to get my tripod fixed! Damn, I cant take any pics of myself without my tripod! 
I walked down to the camera store this morning, but they didnt have the part I need.
*Breaking News!* I need a manicure! In the past, I had never been able to grow my nails. Even in high school my nails would bend, and then break. Well thank fucking god (or goddess.. whatever your preference!) for Ladies Home Journal. I read about Biotin, a supplement that is the only thing proven to help strengthen nails. I started taking it 2 months ago and my nails are growing like wildfire! Great. *breaking story* Marti sucks at shaping them. So, I need to find a manicurist that wont turn my pretty nails into boy nails. Damn the life of a genderqueer! (I tried taking a pic, but I couldnt get the camera to focus. FUCKER! Next thing I know, I wont be able to program the VCR timer.)
Burning new candle! Mmmmmmmmm smells divine!
Workouts are going good! I measure on Saturday. I KNOW Ive lost weight, I just dont know how much. I would be lying if I said I dont care, but I cant go back to checking my weight every couple of days. It’s almost like smoking. Do it once, and I am back to doing it every day. I am curious to see where the weight is coming off. I figure I have lost between 10 and 20 lbs in the last month. I know I am not where I want to be, but I am on the path…fo sho. The comment I said to myself yesterday (and to Jennifer too) was that I am not going to live another year feeling like this. FUCK THAT. Things are really coming together for me; I just need to keep it up.
In recent days I have felt my concentration drift from my own self to another. I need to refocus and get away from bad emotional habits that end up causing me drama and mental trauma. “I” need to be the focus of my world. That may sound self-centered to most, but if you arent happy with you, who will be happy with you? Refocus bitch! Ok, I’m better now.
Time to go run 2.5 miles and 30 flights of stairs!
Shits, giggles, and much love to you!
My So Called Life | admin May 26, 2004 | Comments (0)
The Loss of Innocence
aftermath of the affair
by Kelly O’ferrell
“This is not the face of an ingenue; this is an old soul in a new body- wary, wise to her own long past, on to the wiles of the world, and having miles to go before she sleeps.”-Sarah Ban Breathnach
I stood one day and listened as a co-worker told me about her new girlfriend. They’ve been friends for three years, were mutually attracted to one another, but never single at the same time. Now, finally, they are both single and have started dating-and everything that comes along with
dating!!
“I think I’ve finally found the one I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.” she said. Suddenly, I felt my body rip down the middle. “The one forever,” is what I heard her say. Those words were vibrating in the room.
I wanted to run from the room. But first, I wanted to grab her and scream “THERE IS NO FOREVER!!” Stop looking forward to forever with this woman. Wake up now before you get hurt.!” She was pouring salt in a wound that had almost healed up. I had almost forgotten that forever isnt real. About two years ago I heard the words, “I’ve had an affair.” I wasnt expecting to hear those words – not from her. I had always heard, “You couldnt sandblast me out of this relationship and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I didnt live my life wondering if, when, who, where.
All my co-worker heard from me was, “That’s really nice.” All she saw was me smiling as she continued telling me about her new love. I had to ask her: “Have you ever been in a relationship where someone had an affair?” I wanted to know to what extent her history has shaped her belief in forever. I just wanted to know that if the answer was yes AND she still believed in forever, then maybe she could tell me how I could believe in forever again too. “No,” she said, “but there was one girlfriend
who I still believe had an affair but she denies it to this day.”
“Just for today, Kelly” someone `reminded me. “Just for today you can believe her.” She was telling me that I could believe in my new girlfriend. “There was no guarantee of forever in your last relationship
even when you believed there was.” Even in my innocence, the truth was there. I asked my friend Betsy, if she believes she’s with Anna “forever”. I know she loves Anna very much. And she knows the truth too. “The possibilities are endless,” she said. “And I know that I want to do whatever I have to do to stay with Anna.” Anna just looked at me, laughed and said, “You’re making my stomach hurt!” I wonder if I will ever feel – what? Like I did before? No, I will not feel like that again. There’s something about ‘going back’ thats unsettling. So I guess I will feel something new. But why does that thought
leave me feeling a little sad?
I talked to my friend, Jaime, about this concept of going back. “Back to what,” I asked him. “Back to innocence?” No. We couldnt find the word. “Here’s another word for innocence,” he said, “unconscious. And here’s another one – ingenue. It means a naive girl or young woman.”
Interesting. As a child, an ingenue, I was unconscious because of my limited experiences. I thought that my pets would live forever, that my family and friends would always be there. I had no experience of death and in my case, no family members divorcing.
And then, as I grew older, I began to have experiences – my pets died, my grandparents died. When I was in college, a friend who was 18 years old was killed going home from work when he fell asleep at the wheel. When I was 24, I went through a divorce with a man I didnt really plan on spending my life with. Someone I did plan on spending the rest of my life with left and I didnt see it coming. And then there was the sickening feeling of hearing, “and I’ve had an affair.” I’ve since watched friends and family battle cancer and heart attacks and survive. And, as I continued to grow older, I watched my friends parents die. And as sad and scary as all of that is, it increases my consciousness to be mindful that the people, pets, and things in my life are as temporary as my last breath.
No. Im not interested in going back – back to being unconscious. I know that pain and joy are equal ingredients that have made my life , the paths I have taken, a more conscious, wonderful journey. If the chances of a relationship staying are there too. the possibilities really are endless.
Just for today I am dating a woman that I like very much. Just for today, I love my life with my friends and my dog Lucy. I do not know what my life will be like tomorrow. The loss of innocence is a process of growing older, an increase in awareness comes whether I’m ready or not.
Two years ago, I did not know when I woke up that morning, that my life would be so painfully, radically different before I went to sleep that night. I did not know that what happened in that one day – when I was told about what had happened- would change how I felt forever.
Ah, there it is again – forever. Apparently, sometimes, in my innocence I still believe in forever. But, not this time. No. I will not give her affair that much power. Thats my part – how how I choose to let it shape my future relationships. So, just for today, especially with my girlfriend Holly, I will believe….
My So Called Life, ponderings | admin May 14, 2004 | Comments (0)
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