I recently came across a yoga instructor that’s on a friends networking list that I belong to. I jumped at the chance to ask her some questions. She was very kind and quick to respond. My follow up suprised even me. I said:
“It’s a strange path I’m on, for sure. As I look at the sand beneath my feet I only see a few other footprints intersecting with mine. I consider myself spiritual, but I’m an atheist.
I’m not really concerned with money as much as I am concerned with intimacy. I’ll give you an example. I once sat in on an aerobics class at the local YMCA. It reminded me of something off of Seinfeld. I could barely keep up and the seemingly repetitive motions would cause me to go into fits. I couldn’t wait to get out of there, without making a scene.
I’m trans, so I’ve always had a discomfort with my body. I’ve always felt like a “klutz.” I’m not sure the two are related, but they’ve always seemed to go together. An example: I love to dance. But there are very few times I dance in public. I feel such a phobia about people seeing me, I guess. Seeing my clumsiness. Seeing me.
So, with that being said, I don’t know what the hell I’m looking for. Safety? The idea of being in a space with other people seeing my awkwardness scares the hell out of me. It always has. But I’ll never make it past this if I don’t try, if I don’t at least look changing it.
Growth. Such a wonderfully scary thing to do. But growth is life.”
Many have asked why…
Why are you a transsexual? Why don’t you just be happy with what you have? Why are you doing this?
Ever since I can remember, I’ve asked myself questions…
Why do I feel different from other boys? Why do I envy my sister so? Why do I feel so isolated and alone. Why do I feel so emotionally disjointed? Why do I find so little in common with boys? Why have I been cursed?
Entering my teens, I still asked many questions…
Why am I attracted to women? Why do I pierce my ears? Why do I feel nervous when Lori Young puts makeup on my face? Why do I have more female friends than girlfriends? Why do I still feel so little in common with men? Why do I enjoy writing of love? Why do I have a heart this big? Why do I find pleasure in crossdressing? Why can’t I stop doing it? Why do I bury my feelings? Why am I always a bridesmaid, but never a bride? Why do I medicate my pain away?
As my teen years drift into the twilight and my twenties hit their stride, I can hardly keep up with the questions…
Why do I feel like I need someone to love me before I can love myself? Why do I still love my abusive ex? Why do I live still drink my pain away? Why do I feel so much anger? Why do I feel like I am fighting to keep up a charade? Why are people attracted to me? Why do I still live in fear of the person inside of me? Why do I close as many doors as I open? Why do I fear both living and dying?
When I transitioned to womanhood the questions seemed to build up into a tidal wave …
Why do I feel centered? Why do I feel like I’ve just completed a jigsaw puzzle? Why do I feel great joy, even when I am sad or lonely? Why do I not care what the genesis of my gender identity disorder is? Why am I thankful for it? Why do I feel like this is a new day? Why do I feel whole? Why is estrogen my Prozac? Why are people threatened by openly transgender people?
After being bombarded with these questions my entire life, I’ve only found one answer…
I found me.
As I was getting ready for work, I sat at my PC and talked with on of my favorite LJ’ers, angiewarhol, about “The Justice League” and it somehow fired of a synapse that triggered a memory about my childhood.
I get very few crystal clear glimpses of my past and my transsexuality. Usually, it is just a warm memory that is fuzzy at best. For some reason, tonight I remembered a theatrical presentation of Robin Hood that my 3rd grade class (not sure exactly sure of the grade) was presenting. As one of the merry men of Robin’s troup, I had to wear tights. This made me extremely uncomfortable! How wierd, to feel that same uncomfortableness, all these years later! I can still taste the anxiety and dread….. I was worried that someone might figure out my hidden desire. How wearing those tights made me feel things that I would rather not feel. Looking back, when I wore the tights I felt pretty, feminine, and soft. Those were feelings a young boy in a family of homophobes and bigots shouldnt feel. To bad that little boy/girl wasnt allowed to express who she was….
Its taken her 35 years, and shes is still trying to crawl out from under than shame. The difference is, she has loving, supportive people around her now. 
I was taken for a woman at work….and twice this morning…and I’m in total work gear…totally andro. Could it be the purse? The hair? The breasts? I don’t give a shit…whateva it is I hope it keeps happening. When I started this journey I didn’t have much hope of ever passing…so this is a very nice suprise.
All those years of watching SNL just paid off.
When I go to work I can’t go in full femme mode so I just go extremely andro. Since I go through some pretty rough neighborhoods I just let everyone think what they will.
A couple of days ago I lost my battery charger, or so I’d thought. Today on the bus a fellow regular said “She turned it in, although she referred to you as a woman.” Following “Pat’s” lead I simply said “I get that a lot.”
Thanks Pat, you saved my ass!
Well, my comments about how gay friendly Indianapolis is, is featured in this months “Intake”. “Intake” is “a publication that is focused on the lifestyle and entertainment issues important to Indy’s 25-34 year-olds.” It “is an independently distributed publication designed to cover the lifestyle, entertainment and news issues important to young professionals living in the metropolitan Indianapolis area.”
So, ya….yippie! They published my comments.
Now, the sexy ass 
evanmarshall got a entire piece dedicated to his transition! WAY TO GO!
I was also featured in a “Washington Blade” story about queer bloggers, back when I lived in DC.
tranny moments | admin March 16, 2007 | 
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