Marti Abernathey

IMG00019.jpg, originally uploaded by mzmartipants.

Nik’s performance
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

IMG00008.jpg, originally uploaded by mzmartipants.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

IMG00005.jpg, originally uploaded by mzmartipants.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ran 2 miles yesterday, 13 miles on the bike. Light day, about to go for a two mile run.

I posted over at Transadvocate about my experience at the IFGE convention in Tuscon, Arizona. I kept to the positive, but there is another more negative side personally. One thing I noticed, was the hierarchies within the transcommmunity. How the “pretty people” , the crossdressers, the rich, the poor, all fall into clusters or clicks. Like most of my life, I feel like I don’t really fit anywhere. I’m not sure if that’s self perception, or just a natural reaction to others. Starting a non-profit, I’m going to have to attend a lot of these conferences. I’m finding myself fighting my own inner sense of not belonging. I’m fighting my own demons. One of the big demons right now is my weight. Someone I met at the conference asked me about my sexual preference. It was obvious that she was sexually attracted to me and wanted me. I told her flat out that my own shit, my body image issues, keep me from feeling comfortable with being physically intimate. Mind you, I wouldn’t have had sex with someone that hit on me at a conference. I just don’t do one nighters, but that wasn’t the point. The reality of me right now is that I just don’t think I could let someone in that close to me right now. It would definitely have to be someone that I trusted immensely. These demons are something that I really need to fight, if I want to be successful at the goals that I’ve set.

Then an incident in a online GLBT group I’m a part of really hit me square in the gut. I was reminded where in the hierarchy of importance a transwoman is. I’m still kind of reeling from that. It’s STFU or get out, at least that’s how it felt. Effectively while others can post their opinions, I can’t. Unless I’m quiet, I’m silent, I’m positive, I know my place, I won’t be allowed to be a part of the group. There’s a part of me that knows the importance of this group. I know that being a part of it has opened a lot of doors for me. But I also know that it’s just a matter of time before I’m kicked off. Shut up or leave. I’m really not sure which I can, or should do. Time will tell.

I’m trying to refocus things. I’ve decided that it’s time once again to compact my life, and my goals. Monday I start my part time job. It’s only three hours a day, but it’s going to cut into my blogging and political activities. I’m happy that I found it, but it’s going to be an adjustment. The money from this job is going directly into my savings account and will not be touched except for surgery. Donna Rose has talked recently about balance, and how important it is. One of the things I really miss is doing radio work. I have to make a place for that in my life. It brings me almost as much joy as my writing. But to fit that into my life is going to take removing something else. I’m going to take this weekend to figure out what that is.

I honestly wish that I could bottle the feeling I had in Tuscon. One friend in particular, I wish I had access to on a daily basis. Being around her in Tuscon felt like being around a fountain of youth. Her optimism and hope was really something that inspired me. I want to hold on to that inspiration and hope. It’s definitely hard for me. It’s against what I’ve been taught, what I’ve been told, and how others have treated me. I need more people like her (and my friend R.) in my life.

One of the things I’m going to let my readers into here, is my weight struggle. If you want to see my thoughts, feelings, and struggles on my way to my goal, bookmark Transfatty, my weight loss blog.

At times, hope is the only thing I cling to. This week has been one of those times.

writing about Andre Carson with chaz giving me funny looks while sitting on my lap.

I really dig this thing… I found OUTFOXXED on it..but there’s sooo much more. It seems way more put together than youtube. I’m gonna investigate it a bit more….

In the mean time…enjoy…

Find this video and thousands of others at vSocial!

I’m not sure why, but I’m really starting to adore this song….

Well, you said it yourself, Tim. It’s been four years since American has been attacked by these terrorists. We seem to forget that we are at war, and when you’re at war, you’ve got to fight that war to win rather than fight the war for political posturing. We have been fighting that war. Sure, it–it’s been tough. We’ve had to write a complete new war manual on how to fight terrorists that want to kill women and children. If you compared that note to, say, the Vietnam war in the same period of time, you’re talking about much more in casualties and, and relative spending. - Former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay speaking this weekend on Meet The Press

I think Tom DeLay will go to the grave spouting this rhetoric.

I hope that no one buys this crap anymore.

My friend Jennifer sent me this in an old school Fwd. I found it on youtube…

enjoy.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/sHzdsFiBbFc" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]