FYI: Now, Myspace Is My Hoe. Tomorrow I Die!
Heh… well maybe! I’m having my gallbladder removed tomorrow. If I die, before I wake, at least thy myspace blog I did make. I’m using the firefox performancing myspace add-on to post this biatch.
Spiffy.
That’s right kids, my gallbladder is outta here! 
I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared, but not too much. I’m really content with my life, and the people I love, know they are loved. Damn, I thought my testicles would be the first things to die, under the knife. 
Expect me to write a lot, since I’m going to be off for a while.
If I don’t do the dying thing tomorrow, I’m seriously thinking about buying something like this in Chicago.
I’ll leave you with something I wrote for my loves, Dode and Lavanya.
“I hope this afternoon/evening finds you well. I started this email a
week ago and it blossomed into a bit more than I expected. It actually
helped me refocus my life on what I want to do.
Last week you asked me what my goals were, and just as synchronicity
would have it, I’ve been working on my goals.
As far as trans wise, in the next 15 months I want to my breast
augmentation done and get all my outstanding debts paid off. Do I want
to have GRS (genital reassignment surgery)? I’m fairly certain that I
want to “go all the way,” but I’m not 100 percent sure. Why? I don’t
care about my parts either way. I do want to suppress my testosterone
production and I want to be able to have an active sex life.
My essence has always been female, but I’ve been socialized as male.
It’s why I’m the hybrid you know today. I don’t need to have a vagina
to verify this to me. That being said, life would be a lot easier with
a vagina. I could have a F on my passport (definite safety issue). I
wouldn’t have to make the decision between going in the men’s restroom
and getting beat up or worse or going in the women’s restroom and
being arrested. It’s a matter of making my life easier and safer. I
could live as a woman but still keep my penis. Really, the only person
that would know would be my lovers. But I’m not fully functional as a
male, currently. Keeping my current genital configuration would limit
me to sexual partners as well. Safety, security, and a lot of sex are
what I desire. Surgery would probably put me in more normative
categories that would allow me a better chance for romantic
relationships.
As far as my gender presentation, I am positive that this is how I
want to spend the rest of my life. I want to have all my aesthetic
stuff done first, before I even consider GRS. To me, the vital
surgeries are breast augmentation, followed by brow lift/scalp
advancement, and then FFS (facial feminization surgery) and some
cosmetic dental work to boot. Most people wont see my genitals,
they’ll see my face/body. That’s the area that’s most important to me.
After all, this isn’t about how I have sex, it’s about me feeling
comfortable in my own skin.
In three years I plan on moving out of Indianapolis. But I won’t know
where home is until I get there and feel it. Until then, I’m not
counting any city out. I am acutely aware of how “red” this state is.
I want to get out of this conservative environment. Cities that have
my interest as of now are Windsor Canada, Chicago, Sacramento, San Francisco,
Boston, and Washington DC, but I wouldn’t rule out others.
My focus over the next three years is to get my son graduated,
visitation of my daughter reinstated, my debts paid off, and of course
to have at least my breast augmentation surgery done.
Long term plans? My theory is plan like you’re going to live till 119,
but act like I’ll die today. I want to learn how to climb and repel.
Before I die I want to visit Paris, London, Prague, Venice, Berlin,
Rome, Sydney, Scotland (especially Abernathy) The Grand Canyon,
Tijuana, Cape Horn, Brazil, and many other places that I’m forgetting.
I want to jump from an airplane, I want to swim again. I want to water
ski again, like I did when I was a teen. I want to look good enough in
a swimsuit that the genetic women are envious. I want to see my son
become a father, and my daughter become a mother. I want to foster
kids. I want to watch my grand kids. I want to write my autobiography
as a gift to my children and to speak with generations down my family
tree. I want to get back to the same shape I was in when I was 22. I
want to run for political office. I want to do more activism. I want
to stay positive while doing so. I want to study Aikido and Yoga. I
want to work out more. I want to be able to run hard and long. I want
a runner’s body again. I want to go back to college and get a degree
in English and possibly law school. I want to continue to broadcast
and create Internet content. I want to be surrounded by positive
souls. I want our friendship to be one of unity. I want to learn more
about each of your childhoods/family history. I want to leave this
world with both you and Dode in my heart and mind. I want my friends
close to me. I want to heal my enemies. I want to learn from jealousy.
I want to learn to love more. I want to learn more about Buddhism as a
philosophy. I want to live a life full of love, and a death that comes
naturally. I want to live a life of truth. I want to learn more about
me. I want to learn about others. I want to learn. I want to feel the
roughness of a man’s face on mine. I want to feel the softness of a
woman’s cheek. I want to hold hands. I want to go for walks with loved
ones. I want to plan my entire funeral (I’ve already started the
eulogy and I plan on making a funeral video to my family and friends
that will be played in place of a typical eulogy). I want to be
cremated and have half of my ashes buried in the ground (if my kids
need a place to visit for peace of mind…) and half spread over San
Francisco Bay. If I’m on life support and have less than a 40 percent
chance of regaining my past health, I want to be left to die. I don’t
want a preacher at my funeral. I don’t want any hymns played. I want
my death and my life to be signposts for those that come after me. I
want to leave this place with few regrets and as many loved ones as
possible. I want to feel. I want to ache. I want to live.
Most of all, I want to love and be loved in return.”
Be well, all.
My So Called Life | admin October 11, 2006
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By Electrasteph, October 11, 2006 @ 2:03 pm
Good luck with the surgery! I’ll keep you in my thoughts!
By kay, October 12, 2006 @ 12:28 pm
I say, good riddance! The last thing any of us need is a storage tank for the bile …
Wishing you a speedy recovery!