Feeling Good, Feeling Guilt

I’m sitting here on the Indianapolis Museum of Art’s grounds enjoying the weather, the beautiful surroundings, and just thinking about how good my life is right now.

The last time in my life where I felt the world (and in particular the USA) was in such a bad space was during the hostage crisis back in the late 70s. The economy sucked, gas rationing was a reality, and the general feeling I got from others was that it was a time to fear, a time to be afraid, a time to suffer. With the crappy economic outlook, two wars that seem will never end, and unemployment rising, it feels much worse that even those times did.

It’s ironic when most of the world seemed to be clicking into a good spaces, my life was falling apart. Now that the world seems to be going in the shitter, mine is kicking into high gear. I’m making more money than I ever have, I having more personal success than I ever have, and my personal life is filled with wonderful people that love me in a way that I’ve never experienced. Don’t get me wrong, I’m concerned that the shitty economy is going to swoop in and affect my life. But right now when people are worrying about their 401k or their house payment, I’m thinking about what I want to do next with my life. I’ve resisted putting any money in the stock market because it goes against my general philosophy of life. I don’t want to make money that I didn’t really earn. To me, the stock market has always seemed like a fancy casino that I don’t have the money to waste on. I paid for my car (a 2001 Hyundai Accent) with cash, I rent an apartment that’s definitely below my means, and I don’t buy expensive toys or hobbies. I decided long ago that while I live in a consumer culture, I don’t have to participate in it the way that a lot of people do. I watch very little television (Olbermann and Maddow are the exceptions), and most of my free time is spent writing or doing political work.

I’m happy. And that’s not an emotion that I’ve been able to claim reliably since 1997. Fuck it, I can accept the guilt… this time in my life is too sweet.