The Other Side
I posted over at Transadvocate about my experience at the IFGE convention in Tuscon, Arizona. I kept to the positive, but there is another more negative side personally. One thing I noticed, was the hierarchies within the transcommmunity. How the “pretty people” , the crossdressers, the rich, the poor, all fall into clusters or clicks. Like most of my life, I feel like I don’t really fit anywhere. I’m not sure if that’s self perception, or just a natural reaction to others. Starting a non-profit, I’m going to have to attend a lot of these conferences. I’m finding myself fighting my own inner sense of not belonging. I’m fighting my own demons. One of the big demons right now is my weight. Someone I met at the conference asked me about my sexual preference. It was obvious that she was sexually attracted to me and wanted me. I told her flat out that my own shit, my body image issues, keep me from feeling comfortable with being physically intimate. Mind you, I wouldn’t have had sex with someone that hit on me at a conference. I just don’t do one nighters, but that wasn’t the point. The reality of me right now is that I just don’t think I could let someone in that close to me right now. It would definitely have to be someone that I trusted immensely. These demons are something that I really need to fight, if I want to be successful at the goals that I’ve set.
Then an incident in a online GLBT group I’m a part of really hit me square in the gut. I was reminded where in the hierarchy of importance a transwoman is. I’m still kind of reeling from that. It’s STFU or get out, at least that’s how it felt. Effectively while others can post their opinions, I can’t. Unless I’m quiet, I’m silent, I’m positive, I know my place, I won’t be allowed to be a part of the group. There’s a part of me that knows the importance of this group. I know that being a part of it has opened a lot of doors for me. But I also know that it’s just a matter of time before I’m kicked off. Shut up or leave. I’m really not sure which I can, or should do. Time will tell.
I’m trying to refocus things. I’ve decided that it’s time once again to compact my life, and my goals. Monday I start my part time job. It’s only three hours a day, but it’s going to cut into my blogging and political activities. I’m happy that I found it, but it’s going to be an adjustment. The money from this job is going directly into my savings account and will not be touched except for surgery. Donna Rose has talked recently about balance, and how important it is. One of the things I really miss is doing radio work. I have to make a place for that in my life. It brings me almost as much joy as my writing. But to fit that into my life is going to take removing something else. I’m going to take this weekend to figure out what that is.
I honestly wish that I could bottle the feeling I had in Tuscon. One friend in particular, I wish I had access to on a daily basis. Being around her in Tuscon felt like being around a fountain of youth. Her optimism and hope was really something that inspired me. I want to hold on to that inspiration and hope. It’s definitely hard for me. It’s against what I’ve been taught, what I’ve been told, and how others have treated me. I need more people like her (and my friend R.) in my life.
One of the things I’m going to let my readers into here, is my weight struggle. If you want to see my thoughts, feelings, and struggles on my way to my goal, bookmark Transfatty, my weight loss blog.
At times, hope is the only thing I cling to. This week has been one of those times.
I'm a goof, Uncategorized | admin April 12, 2008
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By SamanthaQ, February 19, 2009 @ 3:51 pm
In retrospect, I’m sorry I bit your head off a while ago. I can see some more of what Janice finds so great about your writing. Heart and soul. I too find the clicks and exclusivity of the “so called” community insane and self defeating. It’s part of why I was so hard on you about beating up on “stealth” folks. We wind up where we are BECAUSE the community is so savage and brutal. Anything that increases that dissonance isn’t helping anyone. “Stealth” is a defense against the “all tranny all the time” and “trannier than thou” crap that only divides people. Life is too short to willingly suffer that crap. Lori and Donna both speak highly of you, as does Janice, so I thought I’d look around a bit more and here I am.
Hope is a good thing to hold onto lady. It’s kept me alive more than once.
And hey, congrats on getting your name and gender change done! Awesome news. Feels good don’t it? Sorry to hear about the bombshell though. I’ve recently become aware that it’s almost a certainty that my “Dad” wasn’t actually related to me at all. Certainly not by blood. It’s taking some getting used to.
Sam
By admin, February 19, 2009 @ 5:02 pm
Thank you for apologizing. Not because I was hurt, but because most people aren’t as gracious as you. Thank you for your generous compliments. I can understand why some folks go stealth, but I DON’T understand the attitude towards those of us that stand up and out. My blog posts are rarely personally pointed.
I’m glad that you stopped by. I’ve not held any hostility towards you at all. I have friends that are HBS, even.
My move to Madison has proved to be the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve found family here.
By SamanthaQ, February 19, 2009 @ 5:23 pm
Ah, see that, that was the part of what you were saying back at that point that I missed. Frankly, I quite agree. Then again I never really understood people having attitudes about people they don’t knwo kind of thing.
I’ve not held any meaningful hostility toward you either, just the lingering confusion which I’m pleased to say is now gone.
You really distinguished yourself in my eyes as a stand up gal when you reached out to Janice a while back when I asked if you would. She’s still amazed by that. She’s also doing a whole lot better, and finally making some progress. She’s working at Sony now, and is actively working toward full time instead of wallowing in her pain.
I’m glad Madison is working out well for you. You deserve to be happy, to have some peace in your life, some progress, and family is a good thing too. I don’t know that I’m HBS, especially given some of the really far right views they hold. In way a bit too rad even for me. Plus they tend to be clickish and distancing too. So I guess I wasn’t doing a very good job of communicating back then. I’m very sorry about that.